Funny Status Messages

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   FACT: Relationships last longer when everybody doesnt know your business

   People who take pictures of them with tons of money and post them on Facebook…………. have no money.

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.

   I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

   This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.

   You know ladies, us guys may not know what its like to have "that time of the month" but we sure have front row seats to it.

   My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too.

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

   Happy New Year! Here's wishing my dyselxia better gets in 1020.

   At lunch time, I like to park my car on the side of the road with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.

   I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night.

   To DO: ☑ Get groceries, ☑ Lay around, ☑ Eat stuff, ☑ Be Awesome.

   Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/