Funny Status Messages

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   I don't mind people sneezing in public. It's that "Pre-sneeze face" they make that scares the hell out of me.

   I had to go on two diets because one wasn't giving me enough food.

   This tag on my panties has been tickling my ass all morning, I was gonna cut it off but I'm lonely

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   I love the word "Allegedly". You can make up anything about anyone without any reprisal... allegedly.

   My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.

   You know ladies, us guys may not know what its like to have "that time of the month" but we sure have front row seats to it.

   My new years resolution was going to be to turn over a new leaf, but I'd probably just end up smoking that too.

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

   Did anyone ever think that Charlie Brown could have used some counseling? I mean seriously, the kid was bullied, made fun of, and was bald by the time he was ten!

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   wanted to go for a nature walk in the woods with my ex today, but the shovel wont fit in my backpack :/

   Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.

   Son, when I was your age, our video game were Big dots eating little dots while being chase by others dots who ran when my dot ate a special dot....

   wonders Why is it ok for a Gay man to change in a Men's Locker Room but, it's Not ok for a Straight man to change in a Women's Locker Room?

   Here's a question: You ever wonder how many REAL friends you had before the whole Facebook, Myspace, & Twitter thing came into existence?.......You're wondering now.

   The problem with new year's resolutions is that people aim to high, start small like..."I'm not going to fart in church."

   just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.

   I am so happy to hear that curiousity killed the cat. For a while, I was the only suspect..