Funny Status Messages

   Heres a question. If you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife switched phones and facebook profile for 24 hrs would you still have a relationship!!!!!

   Just got back from visiting the future, was disapointed you weren't there. Can't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and bean dip.

   next time someone asks you if you been working hard or hardly working put your hands around their neck, squeeze really tight and say breathing hard or hardly breathing!

   I can't wait to go home and rip off my ex-girl friend's underwear!! They have been giving me wedgies all day

   hates it when he goes to a Vuvuzela concert and people start playing football...

   While I may not always return the affection of those who like me, I always admire their good judgment

   it just me or everytime someone says "and one time" you are thinking "at band camp" in the back of your head...

   Nice try Folgers... but the best part of waking up is realizing it is your day off and going back to bed.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   Kim Kardashian is back on the black Market.

   10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   I don't make typos...I make new words

   Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

   My day starts backwards... I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.

   When I die I want to be be reincarnated as a spider. Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Now if we could just introduce Ebola to ISIS.......

   I put an "EBOLA QUARANTINE" sticker on my front door and now we don't have problems with salesmen, thieves, or neighbors.