Funny Status Messages

   It's 2012. We're supposed to have flying cars and stuff. But no... Just pajamas that look like jeans.

   Maybe, just maybe, the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?".

   For the life of me, I can't understand why small and medium pizzas exist.

   I left a note on my neighbors car asking him to stop parking in front of my house. I couldn't find any paper, so I used my car key instead.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Respect your parents. They made it through high school without google or wikipedia.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough.

   wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week.

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   If you're on a bike in LA it means you care about the environment - - riding one in the midwest means you got a DUI

   quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   Your In ur bed, it's 6 AM,u close ur eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30,u close your eyes for 5 minutes,it"s 1:31

   ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth

   I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

   If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help

   if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.

   Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”

   Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

   Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich during last night's debate. In fact, Romney criticized Gingrich so much, Newt made him an honorary ex-wife.