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wondering if Facebook is hiring because I just put in my 40 hrs this week. 
wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
quit my job in the helium balloon factory... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
Your In ur bed, it's 6 AM,u close ur eyes for 5 minutes, it's 7:45. At school, it's 1:30,u close your eyes for 5 minutes,it"s 1:31
ALERT SENIORS TEXTING CODE……..ATD..At The Doctors. BFF..Best Friend Fell. BTW..Bring the Wheelchair. BYOT..Bring Your Own Teeth
I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.
If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “that's messed up” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help
I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.
if your religion is worth killing for , please,..... start with yourself
Dear Parents: “When your kid starts asking you to knock before entering his room, he has discovered masturbation.”
Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.
Mitt Romney went after Newt Gingrich during last night's debate. In fact, Romney criticized Gingrich so much, Newt made him an honorary ex-wife.
There's no worse feeling than lying next to the person you love and they don't know you love them. Or that you're in their house again.
If you've ever wondered what it's like to be a parent,, Just go in your kitchen, scatter cheetos and sugar. Then yell Stop,, No,, & Don't 300 times
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.
If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.
If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.
The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors** 