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Just replaced my co-worker's lip balm with a glue stick insert. There's only so many ways to say "STFU!" 
You'll know right away what they want. You'll just pretend you don't.
"Fill 'er up, please", I say as I pull my van up to the cat shelter.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
What do you say when God sneezes?
The only problem I have is behaving
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
There are an alarming amount of people getting engaged or married on my Facebook recently. Got my brain ticking with how much thought and planning they must have put into it. I don't even know what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow let alone get married
Mindset: Whatever happens happens
If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.
I used to complain aobut how much a cup of coffee was at Starbucks... after seeing how much a "cup" is at the VIctoria Secret Fashion show, I'm getting a GREAT deal at Starbucks...
If you insist on always looking on the bright side of things then you better have sunglasses on.
I really do see myself being in a committed relationship some day. Only destiny (or the courts) can decide to which institution.
Some symptoms of psychopathic behavior are manipulativeness, pathological lying, lack of empathy and writing 'heeeeeeey' in texts.
My wife just asked me if I have a girlfriend and I was like, "God, that's soooo two days ago."
May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it.
The Saints are rooting for the Cowboys because its the same as a bye week.
'Tis the season in Chicagoland where there is a fine line between illegal lane usage and dodging pot holes.
If I ever decide I do not want to get on facebook I'm not going to delete my account.. What I will do is see if I can get all my friends and family to delete and block me before facebook deletes my account for me 