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This milk is so far past it's expiration date I'm only gonna have a small slice. 
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Top Gun was so unrealistic,,, Everyone knows Tom Cruise can't reach the clutch on a motorcycle.
Same sex marriage? Hell, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.
I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
CEO of Apple Tim Cook annouces he's gay... Awaiting Samsung press conference announcing that they're waayyyyy more gay
When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she prolly meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..
Respect for women, starts with your mother
Dear girl in Walmart, Yes it is summer but your shirt and shorts are way too small and you look like a half opened can of biscuits. Sincerely, The guy in line behind you clawing out his eyeballs..
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I just got an email with the subject line "Whales are counting on you". I responded "Whales are making a serious mistake"
According to the BMI chart I am too short.
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from google know it's urgent. 