Funny Status Messages

   I wear an eye patch when I download music illegally.

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   If you don't go after it, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you dont step forward, you'll always be in the same place.

   Was once told by a farmer that thongs are like barb-wire fence. It protects the property without blocking a great view.

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow Ass

   Some people say I'm a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again you're fired"

   I think American Idol could make it a little more interesting by adding a trap door.

   Do you want people to accept you as you are? Or do you want them to like you?

   Taco Party outside Bill's office Right now!

   Sex is the price women pay for marriage,and marriage is the price men pay for sex

   If it takes you more than an hour to answer a text message I will assume that you're dead.

   Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"

   that a friend in need is a friend indeed, but a 'friend' that is ALWAYS in need is getting on my nerves.

   Why is it that I have to take medication to stop myself from slapping people who need to take medication?

   The VMA's is the only day out of every year that MTV pretends to care about music.. Then its back to the pregnant teens, jersey people in italy, and sweet 16 birthday parties

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   I could never trust a psychic who hasn't won the lottery at least once.

   if you have ever bought clothes to match the color of your crocs you need to seriously rethink your life.

   Girls who say, "a lot of guys are after me", should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.