Funny Status Messages

   I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

   Whooooooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea ...O...S...A...M...A

   You are not essential for my survival so adjust your actions accordingly.

   I can talk to animals... they don't talk back but the stuff I say to them is still really cool.

   Don't waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.

   Dear Google, They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely, Wikipedia.

   I don't confront people. I was raised right. I talk stuff behind their backs. It's called manners.

   • The craziest girls are the ones who seem the most normal at first.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   Nothing makes me feel better about myself more than the stupidity of others.

   Women who keep complaining that All guys are the same should tell us something - Who asked you to try them all?

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   That mini-heart attack when you miss one step at the stairs.

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   Sarah Palin and Snookie both Having NY Times bestsellers makes me realize being literate is overrated

   It's not that I hate you it's just...ok, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water. I would drink the water.

   against recycling, because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."