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There is a little truth behind every just kidding, a little curiosity behind every just wondering, a little knowledge behind every I dont know, and a little emotion behind every I dont care 
Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will?
Thanks for tagging me in that picture, but I don't think anyone needs to know that the half of one white tennis shoe in the corner belongs to me.
Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open
Since when does 3-6 inches of snow draw the need for a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called that winter.
Its a bit awkward when you don't realize how many curse words and sexual innuendos a song has in it until you're in the car listening to it with your parents.
I won't take a bullet for ANYONE because if I have time to jump in front of a bullet, you have time to move.
Sometimes I see an old girlfriend on Facebook and post on her wall, "Great pictures of you and the family!" But what I really want to say is "Remember that time we got drunk and f*cked at that party?
My last words will be either "I wonder what this does..." or "no, you put YOUR gun down."
Black History Month reminded me that Peanut Butter was invented by a black guy...I Assume "Chunky" was in reference to his White Girlfriend...
On my tombstone I want it to say: "I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends..."
I spend a lot of time wondering what normal people do in my situations.
I haven't dated Miss Right yet, but I have dated Miss Guided, Miss Directed, Miss Conduct, Miss Fire, Miss Demeanor, & Miss Ellaneous.
Some 12 year old called my house at 2:45 this morning to ask if I ordered Indian food. I said, "Are you serious? I ordered that 8 hours ago!" He stuttered, apologized, and hung up! Prank Call Reversal!
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.
It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
6 of those Extreme Coupon people could fix the entire US Budget. 