Funny Status Messages

   I listen to nothing more closely than the muffled conversation happening after someone has accidentally butt dialed me.

   Hey, people who jog in place when you're at a red light. Calm down. We're already judging you. Don't give us more ammo

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk.

   "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"

   It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.

   Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   I never dreamed that motherhood would include telling my boys: "Don't pee on the lawn mower!"

   I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the sh!t hits the fan," is one heck of a story.

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!

   Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

   How do you really get to Sesame Street?

   If you purchased $1000 worth of Delta airlines stock one year ago, you would have $49. If you invested it in aig you'd have $33. If you spent $1000 on beer and recycled the cans you would have $214.50. Therefor drinking heavily is your best investment.

   Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.