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Facebook Shortcomings: Everyone in the picture is tagged, except for the attractive person I wanted to stalk. 
"Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"
It's a weird feeling when you can't remember if something happened in a dream or in real life.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours
Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."
A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?
When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
There's creepy, then there's going to a strip club wearing a windbreaker
old woman is having breakfast with elderly husband when she says 'LET'S GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE SEX" he replies "PICK ONE,I CAN'T DO BOTH"
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
You'd think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Justin Bieber has given away his pet hamster to a fan. She should probably wash it.
Dear car dealerships; whoever told you we like shouting commercials lied...
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I was thinking "how are they going to make a movie with Grumpy Cat, she only has one emotion" but I guess if Kristen Stewart can do it...
I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
So we gain a Kardashian but lose Tony Soprano ? Lifes exchange rate just took a dip ....
You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old. 