Funny Status Messages

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   , "so let me get this straight. Sex and the City is about three hookers and their mom?".

   Tell your friends that the F5 key puts photos back the way they were on facebook:)

   suggests: The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...

   ready to have male pattern baldness become "in style"

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!

   Canadian bacon is just ham wrapped in a lie

   Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

   How do you really get to Sesame Street?

   My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday.

   ..... I don't think accepting tens of millions of dollars from foreign entities is really the best qualification for a person seeking to become President of the United States.

   I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it's Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

   My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.

   The packers were in it right up until the end of the national anthem.

   Here is a sentence you will never hear: "That's one manly pair of skinny jeans."

   A dog is always glad to see you when you get home. A cat just looks at you like "What are you doing here?

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.