Funny Status Messages

   My support group can outdrink your support group.

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

   You don't know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

   You know that relationship is doomed when you already have 400 couple's pictures and the relationship is only 30 days old.

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.

   I went to the library and asked for a book about small peni$es. The librarian said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." "Yep, that's the one", I said.

   This Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.

   People that believe internet gossip are the same dumbasses that keep the Kardashians famous.

   naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   Of Course I talk to myself... Sometimes I need expert advice!

   When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.

   Seems Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. Let's hope she owns a life jacket. :-/

   I think I'm ready for a relationship. It's been a while since I've dealt with someone's ex drama, had my anxiety go through the roof or had my ego ripped to shreds. It sounds so tempting.

   woke up this morning to a little frost on the pumpkins. Guess it's time to start wearing a bra again.

   I just saw an honest political leader, riding a unicorn.