Funny Status Messages

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   I really wish sleep came in roll-over minutes.

   I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word." I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

   When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can't stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog.

   The two kinds of people at every party are those who want to go home and those who don't. Trouble is, they're usually married to each other.

   Hiding peoples status' on your news feed is the best way of sayin f*ck you're annoying but I don't wanna delete you cuz you'll notice.

   What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GOOD LOOKIN'? I stare, I smile, and when I get tired, I put the mirror down!

   wishes I had a stunt double to get me through the rest of this day.

   If you assign numerical values to each letter of the alphabet, in order, (A=1 and Z=26) you will find that hard work gives you 98%, but bullsh!t gives you 103%. Math does not lie.

   Today I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again

   Dad, this Father's Day, allow me to point out that none of my messes cost 20 billion dollars to clean up.

   feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   Seriously someone has to teach Cupid how to shoot straight

   if being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care...

   Fruit snacks should just be sold in buckets, to hell with these little packets.

   Remember when people would literally get mad at you if you didn't put them in your top 8 friends on Myspace?

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.

   Our parents would tell us when they were young they had to walk to school uphill both ways! Nowadays I tell my kids when I was young I used to play outside!

   "Bacon is meat candy."