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People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers. 
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.
I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
I got my killer quads from hovering over public toilets.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
Ebola can live in semen for up to 2 months. So fellas, wash your socks.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it's like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.
I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
I bet Shaquille O'neil hates to sign anything, "Love,Shaq".....because the B52s pretty much ruined that for him...
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
If you Google the word 'overreacting' there's a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider. 