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Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.
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12-19-2012 06:21 by
flinnie
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Whenever my son asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there's kids his age in China making iPhones.
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08-02-2013 12:14 by
Baddie
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Whenever one office door closes, 50 browser windows open.
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07-11-2011 14:57 by
Sozzle
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I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I am trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.
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08-22-2011 09:50 by
Marshall the Great
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Have you ever noticed that Velma(from Scooby-Doo) only says who the bad guy is after she pulls off their mask. And then conveniently knew it was him or her all along.
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10-12-2011 19:17 by
g0re
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If the caller I.D. reads "unavailable" then so am I.
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06-23-2011 12:53 by
Marshall the Great
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"A day without a nap is like a cupcake without frosting." -Terri Guillemets
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04-24-2011 20:05 by
Mahdi H
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I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms
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02-12-2011 17:09 by
Dopey420
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I don't like people who can't make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
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02-15-2011 11:54 by
Aaron
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Things you can say when you have nothing to say: 1. It is what it is 2. It's just not meant to be 3. Everything happens for a reason 4. Word
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02-18-2011 00:03
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LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.
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12-30-2011 08:55 by
flinnie
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I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.
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01-21-2012 14:42
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Due to the economy......The 5 second rule has been upgraded to the 10 second rule. We just can't afford to be throwing away food....
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01-30-2012 20:28 by
Oregon
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Hey, people who have those long ass names on FB like, "Kiesha HatersGonnaHateButI'mJustGonnaKeepOnBeingaBoss Jenkins," CUT THAT SHlT OUT!
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02-02-2012 14:19 by
Marshall the Great
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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm using my hand, But I'm thinking of you.
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02-14-2012 11:52
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Oh, you wear a NORTHFACE Jacket ? You must go on sooo many adventures......
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02-25-2012 18:35
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Facebook should make it to where it says, 'Went from being in a relationship' to 'Problem solved.'
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03-04-2012 14:15
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Hell hath no fury like a Poptart that hasn't had time to properly cool off.
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11-17-2011 10:45
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When things don't add up in your life, start subtracting.
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10-24-2011 13:53
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There should be a mandatory day on facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.
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06-06-2012 20:58 by
Aaron
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