Funny Status Messages

   Next time my cat has some friends over, I'm going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

   No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   "Back in my day, Smurfs used to be smaller" -We're watching Avatar, grandma

   If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox.

   No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine

   We need to start worrying about what kind of world we are going to leave for Keith Richards.

   I like confusing kids by telling them I'm older than the internet

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

   My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it".

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   *whispers* ...and here we have a teen loading a washer with clothes--unprovoked... A rare sight, seldom witnessed outside captivity.

   I was worried because I heard a beep and didn't know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.

   According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.