Funny Status Messages

   Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.

   All alcohol will make my clothes fall off... tequila just makes that happen in public.

   Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.

   I really don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his shi t and be fine and then they eat half a candy bar and die.

   I don't like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I'm leaving!

   I think it's safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

   Hey person calling from a blocked number, I'm not answering...... Ever.

   You only get eight or nine chances with me. That's it.

   The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.

   If you leave the sexual innuendo door open even the slightest bit I will come crashing through it like the Kool Aid Man.

   If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here's a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!

   Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...

   You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

   If you love something let it go. Great, now it's gone. Why did you do that? You loved that thing you idiot.

   If you want the most accurate, real-time weather reports, look out your damn window.

   A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course he survived the crash.

   I'm shy at first, but once I'm comfortable with you get ready for some crazy s$it.

   I'm starting to think the Jackson family might have some problems.

   The world is made up of kids who can't wait to grow up...and adults who wish they hadn't.

   Uh-oh. My guardian angel just enrolled in the witness protection program.