Funny Status Messages

   Bounty Hunters killed all my paper towels.

   FACT: that dog can walk on its own, professional dog walkers. What it can't do is pick up it's own poop. You're just a professional poop collector.

   I wish people who say "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" would stay in Vegas.

   Hey white p eople with dreads - that's quite enough of that.

   So I heard if I needed to reach the NSA directly I can just dial any number?

   I'm bored. Maybe I should leave the house and check Facebook from somewhere else.

   Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.

   One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   ■Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.

   Sometimes I drop things and I'm too lazy to pick them up, like pencils, or my hopes and dreams.

   Kids hate it when they open their new toy only to find out that batteries are not included. So do women.

   I've reached an age in my life where "you shouldn't say that.." turns into "what the hell, let's see what happens..."

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.

   I'm high tolerance and low maintenance. What more could you ask for in a girlfriend?

   I hate it when I invite people and they actually show up.

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   There are the same number of people on Facebook today as there were people in the whole world in 1804

   What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!