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Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him. 
Just once, I'd like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
I'm not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
It's amazing how many people are allergic to gluten, peanuts, and facts.
In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Question ? Do old lesbians try to look like Rod Stewart or does Rod Stewart try to look like an old lesbian?
Robin Roberts announced she's g ay. In a related story, water announced is is wet...
The NSA is the only government agency that still listens to US citizens.
I am looking forward to the day when a figure skater is brave enough to come out as openly straight
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”
We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
The most frustrating thing I've ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run, sex for money usually costs a lot less.
My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it".
You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.
Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear. 