Funny Status Messages

   Calling out your ex's name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won't forget them after you break up.

   Even if they sold ten-ply toilet paper, I would still fold it at least twice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I have trust issues.

   My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.

   I glued the TV remote to my wife. I'm expecting her to go missing any second now.

   There's nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.

   Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.

   Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.

   After sex, I like to cuddle up to her, wrap my arm around her, brush her hair and whisper: "Welcome to rock bottom."

   I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.

   Leadership is a privilege to better the lives of others. It is not an opportunity to satisfy personal greed.

   These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.

   I'm guessing if we see pink smoke, that will mean the justices has reached a decision?

   The South Koreans should do a psy-op on the North Koreans by placing massive TV’s at the border blasting Gangnam Style on a continuous loop.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   We all have someone at work we make fun of. If you don't, its you.

   Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.

   You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I don't appreciate the trash talking Chinese athletes saying "we OWN you!" to the U.S. team. Let's leave our deficit out of this!

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!