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Some of the chicks on my play list aren't even musicians. 
A slug is just a snail with a housing problem.
Liking and commenting on the same status, gives me a false sence of notification.
I hear people talking about their lactose intolerance all the time. I guess I could live with that but if I ever developed tequila intolerance life would no longer be worth living.
Thanks lady in line at the fast food counter ordering your sandwich with 10 special requests for reminding how awesome being a dude is…
Some people are never happy. They pray for rain then gripe about the humidiity...
I'm gonna open a restaurant down in the Old-Port for singles - You'll just bring your own chinese food,, and for a small fee,,, I'll provide the sink for you to eat it over.
"Magic Mike"? They should call it what it really is. "Magic Johnson".
i am free of all prejudices... I hate everyone equally :)
Today is one of those days you want to crank the AC down to 68 and watch Braveheart.
Ladies; If you can't cheer him up with a bl0w job, theres nothing thats gonna cheer him up
I leave homework till the last minute, because I'll be older and therefore wiser!
Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.
Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.
Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.
Considering I'm sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you may want to chose someone else to take advice from today, guys.
The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.
That Sexy Face you make when applying M A S C A R A.
I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.
Does anyone else on Twitter feel like they are being followed? 