lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   My mother wants me to get up and go to work. But the voices in my head want me to stay home and clean the guns.

   I always give 100% at work:13% Monday 22% Tuesday 26% Wednesday

   Hukd on Fonics werked for me!

   Its Friday 13th,an unlucky day.To counteract that you could try a Rabbits Foot or a Lucky Horseshoe. Horseshoes usually bring good luck today,but never trust a horse that wears high heels & remember to never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.

   Oh sh*t, my computer uses U.S. English. I wanted to 'save' the document but accidentally blew it up.

   Whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute? One's on contract,the other's pay-as-you-go.

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in her shoe till the end of the day

   Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

   ..is stealing everyone's watches and changing all the clocks at work. "What? 5 o'clock already? See ya!".

   I don't mind running into debt. It's running into my creditors that's embarrassing.

   My therapist once told me, "Sarah, no one is taking advantage of you." Feeling a bit better I asked how much was the co-pay. He said "I don't know how much do you got?"

   What has 10 brain cells, 200 legs and 400 children? Jeremy Kyle's Audience.

   Chocolate is the answer to EVERYTHING!

   After undergoing a sex change operation, a judge in Santa Monica granted Chaz Bono's petition to be recognized legally as a man. He celebrated by leaving the toilet seat up.

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   ..is off to spend some quality time with her gf. Be back in two minutes! :-)

   My mate told me I always speak like a computer geek. I LOL'D.

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   Got a call from my mum. She wanted help with her jigsaw puzzle. I said "Sure thing,just look at picture on the front of the box.". "Its not helping"she said. "Its just a stupid rooster!" "Mum,you daft cow" said. "Just put the cornflakes back in the box."

   so lazy, she'll fight that little stone in my shoe till the end of the day.