Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Molasses is surprisingly tasty,,,, However, I have to admit,,, I have never actually tried any other parts of a mole yet,,so,,,,,,

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times,, and you are a weather man.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   I just won an award for being lazy,,,It even came with atrophy

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.