Snotty Funny Status Messages

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask ,, " Notice anything different?'................. * works EVERY time

   By show of hands, who's been fooled 3 times and not known who to blame?

   Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   PRO TIP: If you post a pic of the temperature in your car on Facebook the University of Phoenix will email you a Meteorology degree.

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?......................... (you smart people grinned didn't you.)

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.