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Facebook is really just a museum of all my failed relationships. 
I can't decide whether The Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie.
There are some people on facebook who don't understand the difference between 'Whats on your mind?' And I should probably see a therapist about this'
Im sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid ... I really thought you already knew!
has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”
You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.
Facebook needs to add these to the relationship status options: (1) Messing around, (2) Using someone, (3) Afraid to commit, (4) With so-and-so until something better comes along.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.
One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.
Kids these days sure do love taking pictures of mirrors.
Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.
It makes me sad that in this age of computers and video games, my children will never understand what it's like to be raised by television.
It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.
I feel I have an on and off relationship with clothes.
If Eve cursed the entire human race just for an apple, I can only imagine what she would do for a Klondike bar.
I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure. - Mark Twain
They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the f*ck women are actually trying to say.
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