Funny Status Messages

   I took a nap... Well, actually I was jumping on the bed and the ceiling fan knocked me unconscious,,,,,,,,,,,,,, But still

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Just been wondering what "please Do Not Touch" would be in Braille

   It's too bad that Hugo Chavez passed away before he had a chance to meet Dennis Rodman.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.

   It's kind of cool how khaki Dockers and ugly people found each other

   I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.

   I could be a morning person....if morning happened around noon.

   Think about how stupid the average person is,and then realize that half of them are stupider than that!!!

   Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end!!!

   Women say magazines portray an unrealistic image of beauty therefore making them feel inadequate. Then they buy 12 inch dild0s.

   Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying "sorry breaking up with you" or that a minute later she text me back "sorry wrong number."

   My favorite Lil Wayne song is the one where he sounds like a constipated muppet trying to list off active ingredients in Children’s Tylenol.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   ESPN reports that Aaron Hernandez is being investigated for the disappearance of Manti Teo's girlfriend

   Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?

   1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance - My stages of getting ready for work

   i hate when people steal my ideas and post them before I think of them

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?