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When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. 
"I'm not saying you're a slut, but you would talk to a garbage can if it were waiving a $5 bill at you!!"
Some people struggle with their addictions. I embrace them.
On this day long ago, a child was born, who by age 30 would transform the world. Happy birthday Sir Isaac Newton! born December 25th 1642
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day. Wife: IT’S 8 AM
America paid Bill $500,000 a year to screw Monica. Guess who Hillary is gonna screw...
This rain is really starting to become a pain in my grass!
If people looked like their personalities Kim Kardashian would be Lord Voldemort.
Anyone knows how taco shells make it through days on a shelf of a warehouse without breaking, but as soon as it ends up on my plate with some meat in it, it falls apart into pieces? (-__-)
I asked a Mexican bartender for a double entendre,,, So he gave me Juan.
I want all my family and friends here in N.Carolina to show your support for all our friends up north and join me for a "BLIZZARD" at dairy queen
I'm not sure who told bald guys they were required to have goatees, but they all fell for it.
If I don't make some serious changes to my life, they'll never let me into the gates of heaven. So who can teach me how to pick a lock?
The beauty of life is that Vodka looks like water.....and water bottles are allowed at work.
"Sometimes you have to be really high, to see how small you really are, I'm going home now." - Felix Baumgartner
According to Apple Maps, Obama is now President of most of Canada.
I really need a day in between Saturday and Sunday
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctrl
Look officer,,, I commit like a pantload of crimes every single day,, So you're going to have to be A LOT more specific.
I just met a nerdy spider. He`s a web designer. 