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This just in ... aliens no longer want to be taken to our leader. 
Why isn't Planned Parenthood called what it really is? Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I guess border wall funding wasn't a priority when we had a working gov't and a Rep Congress the last 2 years...
thinks our exit strategy for Iraq should involve "leaving" through Iran
I smell bacon.....I smell pork! Run little piggies cuz I got a fork!
kim kardashian: she's the kinda girl you could pee on
I have an irrational fear of parking by a dumpster at night because I think a gorilla will jump out of it.
- I wish Google Maps had an "Aviod Ghetto" routing option.
A silly woman will look at what a man drives. A wise woman will look at what drives the Man.
IT WAS Professor Plum in the library with the candlestick...NOW EVERYONE GET OVER IT!
I asked my mum what she wants for Mother's Day..... She said, all I want is a bit of caring and looking after.....So I put her in a nursing home
When someone says I look familiar, I say "You've probably seen me in porn."
Why do women continue to by men gifts, when the two "best" gifts are free? Blow Jobs and Silence!
Why did the chicken cross the road.....to get away from the gays
Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations you're a racist.
So many baby mothers post up pictures of their kids everyday.. I'm watching them grow.. I'm technically their step dad
I just want to say how much I love my wife's inner beauty, core values, and soul. JK, she's smoking hot and loves to fcuk!!
$15 an hour just to put a pickle on a bun? What are you? A McDummy?
My Oscar speech would begin like this...First and foremost, I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today... 