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My stupid camera won't stop ringing. 
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If there's a sombrero on my doorknob it means I'm in my room eating nachos and don't want to share.
My neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I almost sh*t her pants
I hate guys who are like "your dating my ex? Hope you like leftovers" like wtf, haven't you had cold pizza the next day? It's the best
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
"Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.
My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.
My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom
Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?
if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.
Dear Employer, I have worked insane amounts of hours for you; shed blood; even went through a divorce because of you. Is it too much to ask for some decent toilet paper up in here?
I have tried it all to get my girl to call out my name in bed, but nothing has worked.My last hope now is to change my name to "Already?".
I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.
A report says that 15% of Americans admit to cheating on their taxes. Probably because the other 85% don't have an income anymore.
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio
I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.” 