Funny Status Messages

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?

   if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.

   You know your mind is already on the weekend when someone at work tells you they're giving away shots, and you assume alcohol before flu.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.

   "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

   Whenever I worry I've been wasting my time, I cheer myself up by remembering I have never read a Twilight book.

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone's status post.

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   Write all complaints legibly in this space -> []

   Some people get so upset when you delete them from your fb friends list. What is the big deal it's not like we're real friends and hang out everyday.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to discuss my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up rash cream..........