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I love the surprised look on a woman's face when I tell her that she drew her eyebrows too high. 
I'm not saying you should hire me to be the president of your marketing team, I'm just saying there should be a bar at Toys R Us..
If you need me, I'd be surprised.
I'm so ignored here I'm beginning to think all of you are actually cats.
I just want to find a radio station that isn't playing the new Adele song,,,, is that too much to ask.
In honor of it being Friday the 13th, whenever I hear a strange noise, I'm going to investigate it braless, and wearing cute panties.
So what all y'all vegans eating for Thanksgiving?
I would win Dean's Award if Steve Harvey hosted my graduation.
Well Christmas tree if finally out of the house, And back on my rear view mirror .
I'd like to give a shout out to Amy Winehouse, who's been drug free for nearly 5 years.
If you were inside my mind ,you could never get enough showers to EVER feel clean again !
Everyday I'm shoveling. - Winter 2014
There hasn't been anything fûnný here since before al gore was born and the internet was 2 typewriters connected by string.
I lost my virginity when I was 9 while attempting an over-ambitious Pogo Stick trick.
Too many Stalkers not enough bullets
sometimes I turn on my FB chat just to see who is pooping at the same times as me.
We're getting so obese, they've added new plus sizes.....Huge....Gigantic and Oh my God, it's coming our way.
The further you stay from me the longer it takes me to reply to your text.
"supermassive black hole" is always funny, I don't care what you say.
I informed the police that my wife had been missing for two weeks and they wanted to know why I hadn't reported it sooner. I only realised when I'd run out of clean shirts 