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Two silkworms raced each other. They ended in a tie. 
Drank two Monster Energy drinks,, and started my car by screaming at it... #boss
FACT: If you give your kid's name a retarted spelling, I will pronounce it like I am retarted.
Dear Kate Middleton, Thank you for knocking Trayvon Martin off my TV screen.
I had sex with an ohmless person last night. There was very little resistance. (most of you will be too dumb to get this)
's status message is better than yours
feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke and let the dreams of the cigarette makers come true then to be selfish and worry about my lungs
Ezekiel 25:17 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his
Hey idiots always telling everyone about your going to the gym; nobody cares that you go to the gym. NOBODY!
The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car, is to just open the door..... And push her the f out.
A little boy asks his dad, "Is it possible to get AIDS from a public toilet seat?" His dad replies, "Only if you sit down before the other guy stands up!"
WWII ended 70 years ago today. It's been that long since America REALLY fought for freedom.
Tell her you'll change. B*tches love change. Just ask Obama.
Right now your holding your phone in your right hand, having your 3 fingers behind, your pinky on the bottom & scrolling down with your thumb! :)
(Q) Reproduceing bees are called queens. What are the none reproduceing bees called? (a) Lesbees
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and beer gut and still think they're sexy...
when girls get there period,they should change there relationship status to"Out of Order"
My buddy got a cheap hooker. He paid ten dollars and woke up the next day with crabs. He saw the hooker and complained. She said, "Whattya want for ten bucks, lobster?!"
What’s the opposite of terrorism? Atheism.
Confucius say: "Young girl who go fishing with Biden come home with red snapper." 