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It's a shame that most things aren't pies... More things should be pies. 
Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.
off is the general direction in which I wish you would f°°k!
When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.
The best way to win an argument is to use logic.
"I warned her.." -courtney love
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"
OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9
I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.
Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.
Who's the genius that gave the police sirens?
That's not a bald spot on top of my head! It's a solar panel for my love machine ;-)
approached a woman at a bar last night and asked her what she is looking for in a relationship. She yelled, "Security!".
has the feeling I need to do the housework, gonna sit down with a coffee and wait for the feeling to pass
A man in Atlanta is raising money for charity by not speaking for a month and only communicating on facebook. Is there anyway to get "the view" and Oprah on board for this?
i hate when I drive behind someone at the mall and they just walk to their car sit inside put in on reverse and never pull out untill I drive off
the kind of person who puts empty milk jugs back in the fridge.
thought he just saw osama bin ladin driving a taxi in NY
on the air go ahead caller
will listen, if you'll talk about me... 