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You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms. 
thinks life is unfair. So many rules; so little time to break them....
I didn't outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
The average penis length of a man is 5 1/2 inches. The average penis length of a man who googles "penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.
Dear Radio Stations, please do not play Katy Perry's "Friday Night" Monday morning at 8 AM during my drive to work.
I tell my kids that when the ice cream man is playing music, he is out of ice cream.
It's my dream to take a stretch limo to a drive thru, pay at the first window & pick up my food at the second window without moving my car.
WARNING: If you get a message from somebody and it has the subject title "Link to Ashley Simpson videos", DON'T OPEN IT! It's not a virus or anything, but her music is terrible.
Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.
Thinking about writing a children's book called "Stop asking me for sh!t."
If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you my friend have no soul!
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She's been talking for the last 2 days and doesn't seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?
Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.
The road to Hell is paved with everything that feels like Heaven.
Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or a plane?
My favourite pastime is planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sitting back to watch the magic unfold.
Are you single single or internet single?
I'm making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I'm accurate, how do you spell your name again?
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