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I've been in this str!p club for days. No windows, no clocks. The only way I know it's daytime right now is because the dancers on this shift are seriously u6ly. 
In retaliation for the genocide of their people the Indians today magnificently beat the Cowboys in a game of football! All is even!
I'm allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.
If we make a baby, I want his or her name to remind us of that magic night - besides, how many other Doggystyle Rumplemintz Daniels can there be?
Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer
all the pictures of food you post online do is remind me that it is likely poop right now.
How not to get friend-zoned? - Be a girl.
Sip hits the fan: Big Gulp 1, Bloomberg 0
If gas gets any more expensive I’ll have to file for tankruptcy!
Cell phones ruined pushing people into pools
I know "C.G.I." is getting more and more realistic,,,,, but I can almost always tell if a movie has real dinosaurs or not.
My walks on the beach usually end with me passing out on the beach
Today, some guy trying to steal my tires got ran over by another guy trying to steal my car.
I was having s3x with my wife and stopped and asked, "Did I hurt you?" "No. Why do you think you hurt me?" "Because you moved."
Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.
Totally cute guy checking me out at 3 o'clock. Oh wait, that's just my reflection.
When I read that 9 of 10 forest fires are started by humans, what I really see is that somewhere there is a bear that knows how to use matches!
As long as you know most men are like children, then you know everything you need to know. ~ Coco Chanel
If a tree fell in the woods and knocked over my beer, I'd be pretty darned mad whether I heard it or not.
Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna suck. 