Funny Status Messages

   Wishes some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's.. when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.

   So I'm giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)

   She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found 'mute' by now.

   Nothing's more satisfying than when "the one that got away" turns into "whew, dodged that bullet."

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   gonna laugh 2 years from now when all of those people who thought the world was gonna end on Dec. 22, 2012 realize that they are still gonna have to go out and buy Christmas presents.....

   Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

   All I want for Christmas, is to keep the things I've got.

   I think my girlfriend's hallucinating. She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

   You know your tired when your alarm doesn't wake you up straight away, instead it just blends into your dream

   Going to Mark Zuckerberg's house to move around all his furniture and see how he likes it!

   I see debt people.

   Tuesday on 'Ancient Hoarders' - A concerned Jerusalem couple fights to save their son Noah from his spiraling animal collection.

   For the record, you'll need a turntable needle.

   If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.

   I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.

   Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap in my room. Like he sat there and thought about it.

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack:)

   please ignore this status, I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am textin