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I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that? 
I was just orally serviced in a rather splendid manner by an enthusiastic young lady and I'm feeling quite chipper about it indeed.
There's always a wild side to an innocent face.
I tried to share a cheeseburger with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to go away and buy my own.
When I grow up I wanna be that small bead of sweat slowly dripping between your boobs.
A picture may say a thousand words...but with Photoshop, it tells a thousand lies!
R.I.P. Patrice O'Neal... Dead at 41 but lived life in the Funny Lane.
Are you soft Kitty or smelly cat?
Desperate Housewives is on my TV.... I am DESPERATE trying to find the remote to turn this crap off!!
If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.
I hate when ppl are like "Hey, what kinda shot is this?" Idk the stfu and take it cause its a free shot
What starts with P and ends with ORN? Popcorn your pervert!
So this midget walks into a mini bar........
I will gather my Grandchildren around for one of my bedtime stories. Like todays story about the "Cinco De Mayo",, a riviting yet sad tale of a ship, laden with mayonaise,,, which sinks off the coast of Mexico.(cue background music, Wreck of the Edmund..)
I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."
If I started my own Chip Company, I'd fill the bags to the top!
Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money.
There was an Amber Alert the other day. I thought it meant that the stores were out of beer.
Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.
"I don't want anyone to know I'm the one who said this" - Anonymous 