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Whew, I was worried they hacked the Dolly Madison site and everyone would find out about my chocolate Zingers addiction. 
Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Ladies, if you are a seven or higher, every male friend, co-worker, neighbor and casual acquaintance has imagined themselves banging you. Hope you are comfortable with that.
Don't cry for me Argentina
..... Begining to think that Obama's official Border policy is to draw a Red Line in the sand along the Southern border.
If you think your life is bad, just remember that Stevie Wonder will never ever see Jennifer Lawrence's leaked nudes.
I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it, now it's in my kitchen microwaving Pizza Rolls and drinking all my beer
we have a bunch of soccer players in the USA ... we call them field goal kickers & they suck too
Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen
Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude.
There's no telling what will come out a female's mouth when she's mad at you. You just gotta brace yourself and be ready for anything.
Why wait for Black Friday, when you can shop brown Monday right
INSTANT HAPPINESS: Just add bacon...or sɇx...or enough money to buy bacon and sɇx.
Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.
Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they're comfortable telling you.
My only stalker is Sallie Mae
For lunch I melted some cheese onto a plate & scooped it into my mouth with some unmelted cheese & being a grownup isn't going well so far.
Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.
"You should try these mushrooms. They're a type of flavorless fungus that have flecks of cow poop clinging to their surface!"
It's always a shame when someone dies and it's not Justin Bieber. 