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Kindness, compassion, open mindedness, and unconditional love. That's my religion. 
If God wanted me to be a Vegan, he wouldn't have made chickens so damn delicious!
This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen Noodles
If Wesley Snipes had paid his taxes our country wouldn't be in this position.....
Penguins car breaks down he takes it to the shop goes across the street for an icecream but cant eat it very well because he has a beak. Walks back over to pick up his car mechanic says looks like you blew a seal penguin says nope just icecream
I call bullsh!t!!...only took about 10 min's and the water was boiling…watched it the entire time….
This year's national billiards tournament in Vegas was cancelled. Charlie Sheen bought up all the eight-balls.
I read someone gets divorced every 10 to 13 seconds. I'm not one to judge people, but that guy gets married wayyy too much.
The brunette asked the blonde why there were bullet holes in the mirror. The blonde replied, "because I tried to commit suicide...it didn't work".
NOT FAT! I'M FESTIVELY PLUMP
Being a successful Hollywood movie star who is overweight and unattractive is a double-edged sword. Your agent must feel pretty awkward telling you about new parts. They need a guy who is fat ugly and no one wants to date. I said you'd be perfect!
Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is Facebook!
Don't wait for the one you can live with, be with the one you can't live without.
I'm not saying she is nasty, but her astrological sign is Biohazard.
never make someone a priority in your life when you are only any option
I could never own a Porsche because I refuse to pronounce it like the Douche Bags that own them do.
I just saw a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar together. I have a feeling something funny is about to happen
Can't sleep, maybe I should count my blessings! 