Funny Status Messages

   Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn't been used at the liquor store since Friday.

   The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.

   ‘No heel is too high when pointed up the ceiling.’

   So 78,000 people applied for a one way trip to Mars huh? Hopefully they were all members of congress...

   Overprotective parents raise the best liars.

   I just counted 37 things at my work that I could kill my boss with.

   My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.

   Why no, stranger, I CAN'T believe how early it gets dark now despite the fact this phenomena has occurred every single year of my existence.

   I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

   How come know-it-alls don't know how annoying they are?

   Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

   How long after walking into someone's house is it acceptable to ask for their wifi password?

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire... This inflation is out of control.

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.

   I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on

   If you ever feel unconfident in your body, just remember that pornhub wouldn't keep their fat girl category if guys didn't like it and it wasn't making them money.

   Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

   You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they're flying too close together?

   If I were a movie villain I'd make a bomb where the wires are all one color.