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Dear Alcohol....... will you be my Valetine ? 
Fathers: If you daughter asks you to carry her pink backpack and purse, you carry it....
borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying!!
Be a gentleman, know when to hold her hand. Be a man, know when to pull her hair.
One good tip to make the Outback Steakhouse more authentic, all the staff should speak Australian.
When a woman carries a keg of beer over her shoulder, never question your relationship status....yep she's a keeper!!!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
All Mom's gave birth to a child, except mine she gave birth to a legend!!! **High fives my Mom on Mother's Day**
Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐
When I forget how annoying people can be, I log on to Facebook for about three minutes.
Soooo, how long are we all just gonna sit here and act like the russians don't have all our passwords?
And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.
I never lose sleep over my enemies its my friends that keep me awake.
I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.
It's been a bad week for spacecrafts. Maybe my parents will finally stop nagging me about not becoming an astronaut...
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Wife: Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism? Me: [mocking voice] Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism?
Never mind shoveling out Ralph Wilson Stadium, change the rules to allow a defensive line of snowmen. That ought to liven things up.
People who give an unconditional credit to the work of original thinker, writer and doer, deserve an equal plaudit. JOKES they deserve a kick in the ass.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Begrudgingly. 