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Dear Liver: This month is gonna be tough. hang in there and stay strong buddy. 
I would not even buy my worst enemy a selfie stick for christmas present. I am not that cold.
I wish my wife's milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Can Ford stop running Black friday ads already...its freaken Sunday already you a-holes!
One Direction vs Justin Bieber - Who's Selling More Perfume?
I am never surprised when these sportsmen and celebrities do or say something dumb like on social media. Most of them are not exactly rocket scientists.
If you have to ask someone if you look fat, you do.
Too many critics with no credentials.
For once in my life, I like to push a cart in Walmart, let it go and roll for at least two feet straight WITHOUT fu¢king turning left on its own.
The term "Politically Correct" is an idealistic, abstract term. Not in the social sense, but in the sense that politicians have an inability to do anything correct.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone ...it's time to recharge your phone.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
i wonder how people describe me when they’re talking about me to someone who’s never met me
Researchers in China have developed these things called “smart tags” that stick to containers and change color when food has gone bad. That's in addition to that other thing that changes color when food goes bad — food.
Not now, kids. Daddy's arguing with people on the Internet
Jogging, or as I like to call it running from my problems.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go anywhere is an invention of lucifer himself.
That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.
I don't know, Man, I'm just saying Spider-Man would seem a little bit more realistic if he hiked one leg up and shot web out of his ass. 