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Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos. 
It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south. Hurricanes and tornados, people still go to work, but let a white flake fall out of the sky, and oh Sh*t!!!!
For now on I'll have to make sure the bottle of KY jelly and the bottle of superglue are properly labeled. Man was that painfully awkward.
CAUTION: Blonde Thinking
says Men are like fish. Neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.
Motorola is coming out with a new droid phone called the Kobe... conversely, they are always coming out with the Lebron phone too, except the only difference is it doesn't RING.
"Characters did not match verification code. Please try again." Of course it didn't. You gave me 3 squiggle things and an upside down 4.
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
It's tough to be such a sex symbol.
Pulling out of Paris should be a porn, not a reality
I wanna f uck you so hard we both forget you're ugly.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter... C'MON MOM, KNOCK IT OFF! ツ
Error 404: Hugo Chavez Not Found
They need to hurry up and find a new pope. It's been less than 2 weeks and already the unsupervised Cardinals are smoking in the Sistine Chapel.
204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet you can't find a decent relationship. Must be something wrong with you.
YOLO backwards is OLOY, "Only Losers Obey Yolo"
Just deleted and blocked the Pope. I don't need him reading my sh!t.
I don't speak Brazilian, but my tongue knows its way around it.
Summary: IRS sorry about abusing govt power, now register your guns you paranoid freaks.
I want to see that KFC commercial, but with Hannibal Lecter in it screaming "I ATE THE BONES"!! 