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Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception 
Who says I can't cook? You've obviously never tasted my cereal!
Most relationships fail not because the absence of love, but because girls love to much and guys love to many.
I missed my ex today so I reloaded & shot again
It's annoying when girls take pictures in glasses and they're like "I'm a nerd". Like shut up you're not a nerd you're just a slut with glasses on.
I so hungary I could eat a horse...guess I'll get a McRib
noticed that countries that eat bacon have a lot less violence and war
I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.
Im in the jehovah witness protection program
Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!
i lifted this heavy object till I farted, I had to apologize to the guy in the other urinal
I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me
Why does Facebook ask what's on my mind...I am a male of the species so it should be bloody obvious!
Tomorrow I will be way more productive than I was today...my goal is to kill 2 rocks with 1 bird. So much to do....so little time
Your're born, you live, you die, figure out whatever the hell you want to do in between...
has decided to unleash years of ninja training on the world =.= OR I'm just gonna eat supper and go to bed....hmmmm....well I guess the world is safe for another day
Don't Facebook and drive!
Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk.
I Just got super excited when Ice-ice Baby played on Pandora, Does that mean that I'm getting old? Yo man lets get outa hair, Word to your mother!!!!
just woke from a 2.5 hour tryptophan-induced coma. 