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I'm playing the "Tetris" background music in my head when I load the dishwasher,,,,, Awesome 
So what does it mean if I open a fortune cookie and there is no fortune in it? your thoughts please.
If you sleep with someone, then try to sneak out in the morning, you are an ASS! First you have to delete your number from their phone, THEN sneak out. Come on people, use your heads.
Trick or Treating at the strip clubs never been better, I'm so glad Candys working tongiht!!
I would enjoy my trip to the dentist's more if I could figure out why it is necessary to remove my pants for a checkup.
If you think about it, most of your friendships stay in the "humor zone", where silences are awkward and must be resolved with laughs. Deep friendships allow you to be yourself instead of just a comedian.
Commercials for toilet paper make it seem like I'll be cuddling with the ish instead of wiping with it...
Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared.
If you leave out Weight Watchers cookies I will burn your house down. - SANTA
MURDERERS: Don't button your shirt all the way up to the top button or people will know you're a murderer.
I'd appreciate it if the phone company just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.
"never on schedule, but always on Facebook."
Relationships are like tattoos. They seem a good idea at the time.
I'm tired of chasing my dreams...gonna jus ask them where they're going and meet them there later.
If I ever write thanks as thx you have full permission to smack me.
Hoes Love buying Sharpies so they can draw on their eyebrows like this (^_^) (~_~) (`_`) ("_") (-_-) (/_\) (-_=) (~_^) (-_~) (*_~)
Maybe the government clamping down on the internet isn't such a bad thing. The only thing I ever got off of Craigslist was chlamydia!
Note to self: Try not to run out of TP the day after thankgiving....Now I'm gonna need a 40 ounce beer and a few "disco biscuits" to deal with all these "Black Friday" freaks!
Who wears the pants in the relationship? No one when it all goes well ;)
People who make noises with their chewing gum should be put to death. I just decided. 