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just because everything's different, doesn't mean anything's changed..!!! 
I have a blackbelt in Karate.Its not that iam good at it,its just I never wash it..
It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.
Ever look at someone and think, "Nice cage, no bird"?
It's a matter of finger's lickin' where I'm Lovin' It and you can still Have It Your Way ;)
If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Be who you are, not who others try to make you
the only one on facebook that don't have a kid, where can I purchase one before fathersday??
If you call it Starbs one more time I might just totes murds you.
No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.
Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”
*shows up at your work* "Hi, it's me. From the internet."
for this of you who ever accused me of being full of sh*t, my colonoscopy prep work has now proven you otherwise!
Most stress is caused by three things: family, money, and family with no money.
Remember when Joan Rivers didnt look a day over $225,000
I'm pretty sure it was ISIS that put the new U2 album in our iTunes libraries with hopes that Bono's voice would make our heads explode.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk. 