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looking forward to showering with his brand-new "William-and-Kate-Royal-Wedding-Marketing-Hype-Souvenir-Soap-on-a-Rope". 
Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE
Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA
It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."
I feel bad for Arab Americans that truely want to get into crop dusting.\
When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..
Everyone keeps complaining about the extreme cold weather, do you know what it does to the bugs that torment you in the summer?
Scott Weiland, Lemmy Kilmister, David Bowie, Glenn Frey. Must be one helluva jam session going on in Heaven tonight.
it just me or would Bernie Sanders sound a lot smarter if we surgically fused his mouth to a kazoo...???
has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!
jones'ing for a Shamrock shake....
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? You call him an ambulance, obviously.
What's the big deal about the guy who could pull a truck with his penis? When I was sixteen, I could have pushed it.
I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!
2 fish swim into a concrete wall. 1 says to the other, "Dam!"
not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.
Did my good deed for the day. Rescued a poor little beer from the fridge.....It's name was miller lite and it was a cool little dude.
If it's warm, wet, sticky and NOT yours??? DON'T TOUCH IT! 