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In heaven, if you get angel hair for dinner the manager comps your meal and apologizes repeatedly. 
Here's hopeing Kanye's next surprise cancellation will be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."
"Canadians are so polite" - people who have obviously never driven in Canada.
When my girlfriend and I broke up, she got the bed and I got the coffee machine. So now I don't have a bed and I'm more aware of it now.
Every time your boss says something you should always nod a lot and say, "OMG, yes, yes, let's do that!"
Everything I can't have is overrated... including you.
Well I thought about texting you first and it’s the thought that counts
I am a collection of unfinished songs Michael Jackson left behind.
I'm sorry, I thought we were at the swimsuit competition part of this job interview. Please hand me my towel.
This girl seems like the kind of person who uses a lot of hand gestures when she's talking to her gynecologist on the phone.
it's so annoying when the person you're talking to goes on and on and on and on and on and on...
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I don't know her; it means I don't know if she's more miserable than me or not.
I have slowly gotten every single person that I went to highschool w to unfollow me. Kinda reminds me of my actual highschool experience...
The thought of you makes me clench my thighs......hard.
I'm the Michael Jordan of all sports, because I haven't played any since like 2003.
Holiday Shoppers are rude and dangerous......Unless I wear a suit and say I am a lawyer!
The number one rule when you are broke is to stop talking about being broke. Nobody wants you taking out your harmonica and singing the blues every time they talk to you.
My idea of the perfect workout is not working out.
If your back boobs are bigger than your front boobs, a strapless sundress may not be the best look for you 