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How is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism ? 
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
They should make daytime TV illegal. That way the lazy lib club will have nothing to do and may decide to actually get a job.
Nothing makes you feel more alive then standing on a grave.
When I visit someone's house: Them: It's so good to see you! How've you been? Come on in! Blah bleh blah... Me: What's your wifi password?
Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.
I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!
Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that
Religious people are so nice. They're always trying to make travel plans for you.
In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !
Dirty talk? No thanks. I'm not into weird stuff. Now hurry up and put on this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume before I lose my erection.
Miley was front page news longer than the last school shooting...
Hey,, just drank so much Gatorade, I could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever
I'm me. I like me. It took me a while to realize it, but I have no other choice. I'm stuck with myself.
I don't understand why mothers say, "I just had a newborn baby." If you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 2 month old out your crotch.
Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.
NASA didn't make that happen, someone else did!
Next time you're sad remember there are many things you should be thankful about. For example, that you're not Khloe Kardashian's mirror.
Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.
Its 2015, why do babies still have cords. 