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The president pardoned a turkey yesterday...shouldn't it be the other way around? 
Yes I've always wished that America was still part of England... I've never been a fan of good dental hygiene...
It's so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog
Well, I just made friends with some mexicans who just moved into the neighborhood. It's about time I finally got friends with benefits.
White Parent: *Knock Knock* May I Come In? Blck Parent: *BOOM BOOM* OPEN UP DIS GOT DAMN DOOR, you DONT PAY NO BILLS TO BE LOCKIN DOORS
Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.
Me: Hey, how's it going? Her: *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* *typing* Hey
Pastor Joel Osteen won't open his Houston ⛪ church that can hold 16,000 for hurricane victims because it only provides shelter from taxes.
3 Jobs that changed the world: HAND, BLOW and STEVE!
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. I'll be coloring your hair today. Prepare to dye.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?
I don't mean to denigrate women. (Ladies, "denigrate" means to put-down or patronize.)
I've been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.
I just dropped my bong and it broke :, ( life is cruel!!
I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.
I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.
Roman Soldier walks into a bar , holds up 2 fingers and says "Five beer Please"
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Here's a little bit of advice for you.. advi
Seeing a spider is nothing, it becomes a problem when it disappears 