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I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet. 
I'm going to get drunk white girl annoying tonight.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.
I'm not entirely sure a life spent smoking e-cigarettes is worth prolonging.
I just got my foot stuck in my wife's bra. I asked her what kind of boobie trap is this? She laughed and I laughed and she asked me never tell another joke for at least a week...
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Everyone knows you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix,, right?
The hardest part about dealing with rejection is that I end up liking them more for their ability to make great decisions.
My 4 year old daughter just kicked me out of her tea party because I'm too moderate on immigration reform.
Prediction: Entourage will be the 1st non 3D movie in history to have its entire audience watch in sunglasses
A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. I hope Axe Body Spray doesn't come up with their own version... I'd really hate to see the women who'll mob you for THAT scent.
Sorry I dropped it, but I only hold pretty babies.
If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
Relationship Status: Granny Panties
I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...
Black Friday challenge: Buy American and buy small business. Otherwise you're complaining for nothing about big business.
When I was a kid my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have and ANYTHING to play with.
Steven Tyler's mic stand has so many scarves on it that I always thought he was just screaming at Johnny Depp and trying to strangle him.
I was going to join the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but, I hear they deal with alot of pricks.
Time moves forward, things change. It can be hard. On the upside, there'll be way less dudes wearing the jacket from Drive this Halloween. 