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Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers. 
Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
I could really, really use some shenanigans.
I wouldn't make it very long as a tattoo artist because I would always be asking "You're kidding me, right, you want that?"
Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
My favorite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I'm white, but not go to a yard sale at 7am to get all the "good stuff" white...
Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I'd like whipped cream on it.
Technology is creating all kinds of new psychological problems. Losing a cell phone can put almost anyone into a panic attack, followed shortly by separation anxiety disorder.
Click like if you think it's a pain in the @ss when livejasmin pops up and disturbs in the middle of everything
FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs
Was at the drug store and the kid in front of me was buying Magnum condoms. I gave him a thumbs up. He said "Impressed?" I said "I am impressed, that you bought those with a straight face".
I don't do anything at 7am that doesn't involve Sleeping, Sex, or Bacon.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn't!", he in fact did.
I would walk over Legos for you.
I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.
Sometimes I hang up on people in the middle of my own sentance so they think I lost service...
Okay...we've seen the 900 pics of your band. Now show us the the three people in your audience.
Coming home drunk knocking things over and telling them to''shhhh!''
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