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Pro tip: If you really want to freak people out wear a Santa Claus suit as your Halloween 
Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 77 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.
It looks like you're trying to defend someone's policies, would you like to turn on Caps Lock and disable spell check?
Did you hear why Rosie O'Donnell got arrested? Airport security lifted up her dress and found 200 pounds of crack.
Was in the K-Mart earlier and noticed they have Barack Obama Christmas Ornaments. Seems it's fashionable again to hang black people from a tree.
Michael Brown lived a thug life and died a thug death. Let it go.
My favorite part of the bible is when god gives people free will and then kills everyone with a flood for not acting the way he wanted .
Men: If you want sex during "that time of the month," you will have to pull a few strings.
Oops, sorry I bumped my clit against your nose
Roman Numerals? What are they good IV? Absolutely nothing..
Mitt Romeny's sitting in the dark somewhere drinking decaf and rubbing sweet and low on Sarah Palin's gums.
Dear Mr. Vending Machine genius-Please do not place all the fragile delicate goodies (such as poptarts, cookies, chips) on the top two rows. Everytime a delicious munchy falls and prematurely break and angel loses its wings :'(
The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath!
This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.
stuck in traffic. Send bacon.
What's the difference between a bottle and puberty?? .........A bottle has already hit Justin Bieber!!
I used to have a voice just like Justin Beiber, then I turned four.
I always feel like I make a connection with a waitress whenever they take my order
"I wasn't drunk!!" "Dude, you were in my pool trying to find Nemo" ·
If the Dove is the bird of love, then the bird of birth control is the Swallow. 