Funny Status Messages

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's really hard to pronounce...

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.

   Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn't really Royalty.

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check.

   My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....

   I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.

   That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!

   Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”

   I wish I loved something as much as I hate almost everything.

   "And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher

   wow... I think easter is a few weeks away... calm down walmart...

   ❒ I am under the influence. ❒ I am above the influence. ✔ I AM THE INFLUENCE.”

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.

   Either I've reached the age when my eyebrows have developed a mind of their own, or I'm slowly turning into a werewolf.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   On my way to the kid's school... apparently, a nicotine patch is not an appropriate substitute for a band-aid.