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So when do we start calling this the Second Great Depression? 
What if born on planet earth is being sent to hell from another planet?
When women wear makeup they're basically lying to us.
When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Doin the same thing I do every night...Try to take over the world!
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Santa..he's pretty lucky..cuz he knows where all the naughty girls are at..that's why he's so jolly you see?
I heard some people talking $hit about you, they were saying you loved co#k sandwiches, but I stuck up for you - I told them you don't even like bread
BBC News: Pope offers 'hand of friendship'... followed shortly by an offer of sweets and viewing of his new puppies in the Vatican basement!
It was Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend, and they have much to be thankful for: Bieber, Ice Road Truckers, a sh!t-load of lumber.
Remember the participation trophies kids? They grew up and are burning our cities, tearing statues, offended over everything.
What I just did to that bathroom was so tragic, that when I walked out a Native American looked at me... and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
Why are there no black fireworks?
I showed up late for work today . The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" ,,, I replied "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
Imagine if people were punished like dogs and had our noses rubbed in wrong doings? "Aw man, forgot to take out the trash" Welp, untie that bag and get your face in there. Look at him, he knows what he did.
Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.
I know this chick that can do more tricks on a six inch d*ck than a monkey on a mile of grapevine.
I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.
"Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died. 